89

I've been thinking about relationships have beens for a while lately. Gosh. I feel like those connections with people are so incredibly special just because you can be that vulnerable. But at the same time, that vulnerability comes at a price. And there no more of that currency.

I don't know, just some lost thoughts. Life is beautiful.


Dr. Seuss Marshlands.

88

Good Asian Number. Eight Hundred more to go.

Today in transnational literature, I made a comment that the construction of identity occurs when there is a challenge. A person can only identify in opposition to the normative. Then, a white male kid announced he has nothing to identify with, so what is he?

87

Being sick, even if it is just a cold, is debilitating. It starts with a slight sore throat that leads to lucid dreams and a morning where you can barely stand to swallow. Vitamin, Rachel Zoe Show, and Soup overload. Sleep sleep sleep. Wake up slightly better, and know that this shit is almost over.

Yikes. I hate being sick.

86

This is what is amazing. These adorable faces are what Dorosister gets to teach every single day. They sing and laugh and chatter. They like to count and recognize letters. They draw amazing pictures to show Ms. Young what they have learned. They randomly sprout hilarious or heartbreaking stories. They sit criss-cross applesauce hands in the cookie jar with bubbles in their mouths. Some can't read. Other's read so well-- beyond any expectation. Pretty much all of them have disastrous teeth and tell Ms. Young their teeth hurt. She can't tell them anything because health care is a expensive privilege in Amerika. They will shout to stay still when they see a mosquito so Ms. Young can rush to kill it before big red bumpy bits erupt on anyone else's chubby legs. Some of them snore during nap-time. Some of them drool. They like snack time and the quiet game. They surprised me two days in a row by being good and excited to learn. I hope that they are exceptions to their rules. I pray that all of them stay safe, healthy, and happy.

85

I, knock on the door, hope isn't home
Fate's not around the lucks all gone
Don't ask me what's wrong ask me what's right
And I'ma tell you what's life, and did you know?
I lost everything, but I ain't the only the one
First came the hurricane, then the morning sun
Excuse me if I'm on one
And don't trip if I light one, I walk a tight one
They try tell me keep my eyes open
My whole city underwater, some people still floatin'
And they wonder why black people still voting
'Cause your president still choking
Take away the football team, the basketball team
And all we got is me to represent New Orleans, shit
No governor, no help from the mayor
Just a steady beating heart and a wish and a prayer
Let's Pray.




This trip was fantastic. I miss my sister very much. We mostly ate a bunch of food and got her apartment furnished. It's so fabulous now! Also, we went on a touristy airboat and I fed alligators marshmallows. We went to school and played with her awesome kids. Very nice! I'll post the pictures up and elaborate as I go.

I guess I keep feeling this sense of stagnant remorse. The world is so crappy. I should apply my happy self confidence to make it better. Otherwise I'm just buying into this crap. Anyways, New Orleans is amazing.

84

How fantastic is this? SHEENA WALKING FOR SHE FOR SHEREE!!



Sheena spitting some truth!


The greatest interview of all time.


SHE IS FROM CLEVELAND!! WAH WAH WAH. But so is he...



New Orleans (fried foods, babies, and fried foods!) here I come!!!

83

I've been pretty bummed and lonely lately. I guess I am sad everyone is gone, dating their new/old respective partners, busy, or in another time zone. There is all this imaginary pressure, when all I want to do is hang out. Maybe it's this post-studying abroad funk I was sure I was immune to. Maybe it's that suddenly all this stuff reminds me of my Grandma, and I am this giant emotional mess most of the time. This stuff is keeping me happy though.






I was so bummed tonight, sitting alone in this stupid Irvine apartment. I got a text from my buddy Yvonne in Berkeley, and I just called her because I needed a ear to listen, and a voice to seriously crack me up. Then I talked to Michelle Yee. I miss South Africa.

This blog has moved on to document my mourning.

82

In the midst of all this crazy facebook nonsense (KANYE WEST IS SUCH A WORLD CLASS BIG FAT DOUCHE BLAH BLAH I LOVE YOU BEYONCES [All which I pretty much agree with but care so little about...]) I have to take this moment and write about something that really breaks my heart.

So there is this runner from South Africa, Caster Semenya, and she's really fast. I mean, she sounds like so kind of athletic god, which I can totally respect. And because she is so great at what she does, she gets this extensive testing to see if she is a man. But no one tells her she is being genetically tested. They tell her it's to see if she is one drugs, but really they want to know if she is a man. And then this information leaks out to the world. People have a field day and she is now in hiding. Okay, that is Grace Young shorthand. But seriously. What the fuck world. It bring up all these issues with me. Like, doesn't this sound like eugenics. Doesn't this seem really invasive. Doesn't anyone care that she really is just a fantastic athlete.

Blah blah blah... okay. Maybe I will organize these thoughts later.

81

me: ohhhh kay!!!
woot woot i am eating dumplings
Dorothy: okay it is so awesome that you are such a gaylord
me: woot woot
yea i am going to write a blog post
about how I feel a lot of people
reconstruct their identity to seem more "hood"
in college
and how i didn't even need to cultivate myself
as I emerged more fabulous than anyone can handle
Dorothy: yes and you are also muy modesto

80

(Wolf Howls)
I'm not a hunter but i am told,
that, uh, in places like in the arctic,
where indiginous people sometimes might, might, hunt a wolf,
they'll take a double edged blade,
and they'll put blood on the blade,
and they'll melt the ice and stick the handle in the ice,
so that only the blade is protruding,
and that a wolf will smell the blood and wants to eat,
and it will come and lick the blade trying to eat,
and what happens is when the wolf licks the blade,
of course, he cuts his tongue, and he bleeds,
and he thinks he's really having a good thing,
and he drinks and he licks and he licks,
and of course he is drinking his own blood and he kills himself,
thats what the Imperialists did with us with crack cocaine,
you have these young brothers out there who think they are getting something
they gonna make a living with,
they is getting something they can buy a car,
like the white people have cars, why can't i have a car?
they getting something they can get a piece of gold,
white people have gold, why can't i have gold?
they getting something to get a house,
white people have a house, why can't i have a house?
and they actually think that theres something thats bringing resources to them,
but they're killing themsleves just like the wolf was licking the blade,
and they're slowly dying without knowing it.
thats whats happening to the community, you with me on that?
thats exactly, precisely what happens to the community,
and instead of blaming the hunter who put the damn handle and blade in the ice
for the wolf,
that what happens is the wolf gets the blame, gets the blame for trying to live,
thats what happens in our community,
you don't blame the person, the victim,
you blame the oppressor, Imperialism, white power is the enemy,
was the enemy when it first came to Africa,
and snatched up the first African brothers here against our will,
isss the enemy today,
and thats the thing that we have to understand.

79

Bed-Sharing:

It's not that I hate post-coital cuddling. And it's definitely not that I have an coital in my life to speak of right now. I have just always liked sleeping in my own bed, in my own space surrounded by my own clutter. Somehow, though, I guess like most other people in relationships that are already consummated, I've ended up sleeping in the same bed with someone else. But I never really liked it...

But HAHA! (imagine me say HA HA really loud!) Today I read this:

Couples should consider sleeping apart for the good of their health and relationship, say experts... One study found that, on average, couples suffered 50% more sleep disturbances if they shared a bed. Dr Stanley, who sleeps separately from his wife, points out that historically we were never meant to share our beds. He said the modern tradition of the marital bed only began with the industrial revolution, when people moving to overcrowded towns and cities found themselves short of living space... "We all know what it's like to have a cuddle and then say 'I'm going to sleep now' and go to the opposite side of the bed. So why not just toddle off down the landing?"
- http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8245578.stm

So there. I will have my own room whenever I end up in anything. Errrr. YUP! Own room in is. So I can drool all over myself.

^__________________._^
. '.
. .'.
. '_'

Also, I am clearly an ASCII genius.

78

I'm lonely. The loneliness is palpable.

Thank you Sex in the City for reminding me. But who needs a burger when you have a hot dog for 75cents. Who needs a hot dog when you have bacon!!





This morning I watched the Run This Town Video. Twice. Before I even took out my retainer. I channeled this look in cooler, but still warm weather. Fuck it, Labor Day has passed!

77

I love how they channel the Black Panthers, Zapatas, and fashion too fabulous to handle.

Dear Rihanna: Your shit is on point lately. Very big fan.

76

I like a lot of cheap jewelery now.

75

Hell Yeah I stole this picture off of Facebook. That is facebook's purpose in my life. To perpetrate my vanity and allow me to show off how witty I am. SIKE! Facebook is the bane of my existence because it allows my "friends" to put up pictures of me in my natural state-- AWKWARD. That's fine though. That's not what I wanted to write about.

Today was the first APSA Reunion. It was fantastic. I feel so inspired again. I feel like there is so much love beyond what we do now. Also, I really love Costco Pizza and pork skins. I truly believe that the Asian Pacific Student Association is my home away from home. I began my involvement my senior year of high school, with San Diego's APSA, and still consider myself to be a representative, AMBASSADOR of love, from APSA. I remember Welcome Week. I wandered around Ring Road alone (I had friends BTW) and asked around for APSA. I got lazy, tired, and sweaty, so I went to sit in the Cross where I saw APSA written on the glass door. Stephanie Chen, from Chinese Association, came in and asked me if I needed anything and I told her I was looking for APSA but it wasn't outside and she told me APSA was comprised of one fantastic person-- Narinda Heng. So she gave me Nar Nar's number and the journey began. Despite my burning out, or whatever, I still LOVE APSA. The people have been my brothers and sister, cuddle buddies and cooking buddies. I love how we have watched each other grow. How APSA has been a springing board for consciousness and community involvement. How I felt and feel about APSA was solidified today at the reunion. I felt like I met the slightly older, but still happy and loving side of the family I knew existed in some distant form. And today they became real! All big smiles, laughter, and love.

74

Minus the love. Plus the love! I love bracelets. To my goodly friends! Sike! This has nothing to do with my friends I just sang it to myself all day long!!

I have delicious scrumpcious good cooking fun shopping deep talking buddies. Woot woot life is so delicious!

73

Today, after class, I went to get pho with my new buddy Uyen. I think that I am at the brink of a new part of my life. I'm letting go of a lot of old junk, some great vintage people that I will always treasure, but on a whole. I feel like my life is turning over a new leaf. Funny that I am writing this on an old blog, but it's still hilarious to read back.

I feel like this is a more modern me. I wonder how many bloggers are all like, blah blah blah me me me right now. Right at this moment. How many have as much self esteem as me? Okay then it is just me!

Right. Yuck. Not really sure where I am going with this anymore. Fuck it.

I am really into my hobby kick. I find now that I am unemployed, I have a lot of time. Since the TV, in the past few days, has been made unavailable to me due to crappy apartment situations, I have been taking yoga classes. Well, it's been like three weeks. At first I really sucked. A lot! And I still have absolutely no fucking balance. But I think I am getting better! I love hobbies.

Once these fabulous nails come off I will play uke again and hopefully find a fucking job!